Filipina Asawa | Philippine Wife Getting Married to a Filipina

Finding your Filipina is easy. In fact for every man over 55 wanting to marry a Filipina there would have to be 100 young ladies from 18 to 25 very keen to be his ‘asawa’, or spouse. Of those 100, it would be safe to hazard the guess that at least 25 of them would be former bargirls and prostitutes, five or more might not even be female and of the rest, at least half would be either married, a single parent or already in one or more relationships. That still leaves 40% of warm, loving and devoted young ladies looking for YOU.

Even if you are overweight, old and bald it makes little difference to these women. Of course many of them are looking for an escape from grinding poverty and a dismal future, but so are young women in the former Soviet Union and Eastern Europe as well as South and Central America, Africa and elsewhere in Asia.

If you think you will be a Knight in Shining Armor and ’save’ a damsel from distress, never forget this is for life. You are playing with human feelings and people’s lives. There is no such thing as a ‘mail order bride’ and the term is insulting to both the lady and her future husband. People are not items you can have sent to you via FedEx. In fact there are now laws in place in the Philippines and the USA (IMBRA) to protect Filipinas from exploitation when they meet their prospective spouse via online penpal clubs and introduction agencies.

The right partner to be a loving companion throughout your retirement is a vital factor in enjoying that retirement. You have the rest of your life so don’t rush things. There will be dozens of pages and links running off this one. In time they will build up to become a major resource for anyone contemplating a new life with a new wife, perhaps even in a new location.

Tampo is the most searched for term a Blog of mine gets, according to my site traffic statistics. So perhaps some more discussion on the topic is called for? Tampo literally means ‘sulking’, or ‘to sulk’. Of course it means much more than that and is closely related to other Filipino cultural anomalies such as ‘amor propiyo’ or honourable behaviour and ‘hiya’, or pride, face etc.

Basically the tampo-er withdraws their favour and affection, in fact any interaction whatsoever, from the tampo-ee. In a culture where it is considered very poor form to release one’s pent up emotions with verbal and physical outbursts, tampo does the job for them. It can take the form of

“resisting expressions of affection, not talking to the person concerned or to people in general, being unusually quiet, locking oneself in his or her own room, refusing to eat, not joining friends in group activities, withdrawing from the group, simply keeping to oneself. These are usually efforts to get the offending party to make amends, and if these behaviours do not work, one might choose to escalate them, perhaps to foot-stamping, door-slamming, or muttering.” (Wikipedia 2008. Tampo)

We Kano’s might think someone who sulks is akin to a petulant child, however in the Philippines they view it very differently. Remember the cultural norm there is not to vent one’s feelings as that will cause offense and embarrassment to others, not just the person you are unhappy with. Remember how important it is to Filipinos to get along, ‘pakikisama’ or group harmony is a key cultural element.

There is a lot of common sense and practicality behind tampo when you consider the hierarchical nature of Filipino society and the close proximity of people living often in less than sound-proof conditions in multi-family groupings. Not much scope for intimacy and privacy between husband and wife or siblings.

There are domestic disputes in Filipino communities, make no mistake about that. People still have rows and yelling matches and get violent. However the accepted manner of managing such disputes is via tampo, not a slap across the chops or a chase with a kitchen knife. Tampo is almost exclusively used by the Filipina but Filipino men have been known to apply it in rare cases. Of course it doesn’t work on the Filipina and a man would be a fool to try and tampo his wife, be he Filipino or Kano. What is good for the goose simply doesn’t work for the gander in this case. When Tampo slaps you around the chops there is not a great deal you can do about it at fist. You have to let it run its course for a while so the Tampo-er gets some value out of the exercise. Start trying to make amends too soon and you will only prolong the agony. Leave it too long and you might just burn your bridges forever.

The Filipina is a very temperamental creature as any who have one will attest. You will never be spot on, afterall she is a woman first and foremost and Man will never understand Woman. If that day should ever come the entire DNA and Genomes of the female of the species will alter as if by some cosmic signal. You will never win, OK?

So how do you lose less? First of all do not rejoice with the coming of tampo. It is not an excuse to hit the golf course or go fishing. You must remain within icy stare range so you can not only suffer, but be seen to be suffering. No point stamping feet and slamming doors if you are not there to witness that.

Always keep in mind two things, and these two things are worth a great deal. In fact they are so important I can not charge for them, I must share them with all mankind if only to rack up the Brownie Points necessary to assure me of my passage to the promised land or wherever one goes ‘Post Pinay’.

1. This Too Shall Pass – Never lose sight of the fact this will end one day. It may not end as you want it to but it will end. Try not to lose sight of this and blow your stack. Do not trivialize the actions or inaction you are responsible for that brought this tampo upon you. The reasons for this are included in the second vital point:

2. Remorse Must Not Only Be Felt, It Must Be Seen To Be Felt – Filipinas are drama queens. They believe in the ‘show – don’t tell’ mantra. You must not only feel remorseful you must show it. We men would call it overacting, hamming it up. Filipinas call it necessary behaviour. Especially so if anyone else has seen she is upset and you are the cause. It is now of national importance that you are seen to be apologizing to her.

Be very aware of your facial expressions and body language. Filipinas misinterpret so many of our words and apply them only at the extreme end of the register. ‘Arrogant’ is one of these. You will be considered arrogant if you don’t fawn sufficiently. Even if you feel it demeans you, it doesn’t. Not in their minds. They have very different ideas of what constitutes appropriate behaviour (amor propiyo) To the Filipino, being ‘arrogant’ means so much more than it might to us. It is a slap in the face of those you feel you are superior to.

Being ‘arrogant’ is difficult for us to avoid as we do not know the subtle indicators of humility the Filipino grows up with. They laugh and giggle when they are embarrassed and everyone knows it means they are embarrassed, not rude or couldn’t care less. Yet we foreigners think they are not treating the situation with sufficient gravity. We look people in the eye when we apologise yet we should cast our eyes downwards in shame and so on.

There are many other lessons to be learnt about dealing with the Filipina and hopefully we can include most of them here in future articles. Keep checking back or buy an eBook!

Those of you who are already involved with a Filipina can read this if you wish, I am sure there will be a lot of nodding heads. As for those readers new to the joys of cross cultural relationships with Filipinas… read on!

When a Filipina is angry, upset or wants to punish someone she loves, she doesn’t fly into a rage or start a verbal row. That would cause her to lose Hiya, or face. Instead, she begins a period of silence known as ‘tampo’.

Tampo is very effective, at least as far as a Filipina is concerned. To her, being ignored and not spoken to is one of the worst punishments she can think of. A bit like secular excommunication. Filipinos are very gregarious, they love doing things in groups and this is a good thing given there are so many of them. They even control each other through teasing, especially sibling groups and ‘barkada’s’, peer groups of close friends, often for life.

Getting a job done well, on time or to a proper standard is not as important to Filipinos as getting it done in a way that everyone in the group feels good about it. We see this as incompetence in many cases, they see it as group harmony, or ‘pakikisama’ and it is a core value to them.

So to be excluded from the group, even by one person, is a harsh sentence to serve. Other people will realise the tampo is not directed at them and will actually side, albeit often subconsciously, with the tampoer, and not the tampoee. If she were to yell and scream then she would lose Hiya and the support of her group because she is affecting the pakikisama. Everybody would feel uncomfortable and embarrassed, not just the person being yelled at.

This is why you should never raise your voice or show your frustration with Filipinos. No matter how much you may be in the right, this will firmly put you in the wrong with anyone in earshot. The correct way to deal with incompetence is to expect it and ignore it, but more on that in another article.

Similarly, when you are being tampoed, ignore it. At least as far as doing anything overt. Acknowledge there is tampo afoot and consider the reason why. What have you done or not done to deserve this silent treatment? Remember, you do deserve it, you are in the wrong, you will always be in the wrong. Once you accept that you can get on with doing some important tasks like reading, having a beer or whatever takes your fancy that doesn’t involve her. Give her space. Don’t be surprised if she leaves you and goes to her parent’s or a relative’s house for a day or two. It is all part of tampo.

Once the dust settles and you have shown humility through not reacting (and acknowledging your guilt of course), it is time to make up. If she has gone to Mama’s house or back to her province, then go there and show the world you were wrong and are sorry by chasing after her.

If she is still at home, you must show how contrite and sorry you are by paying her lots of attention and continuing to do so, even if she shrugs off your attempts to make up. Persist and she will begin to soften and then all of a sudden she will be the wonderful, loving and beautiful Filipina you fell in love with.

Remember:

1. It is ALWAYS your fault.

2. Don’t try to reason with her, this has nothing to do with logic.

3. Once she has tampoed you long enough, begin showing remorse.

4. Do not try to understand this, it is simply the way it is.

More Tampo advice later.